After speaking to an older man on how he views men accepting a women cheating, I was left with my mouth wide open.
LWilson: Have you ever been cheated on?
Sam: Yes, when she cheated I felt it as soon as I looked at her. She was balling when I walked in the door. She broke my heart.
LWilson: Did you cheat on her?
Sam: Yes, but with her permission.
LWilson: That would not be cheating if you had permission, right?
Sam: Yes and No, I set the terms. Whenever, wherever, and however I wanted and I would let her know about it when I did.
LWilson: Did you cheat right away?
Sam: No I made her sweat it out for a while.
LWilson: Did you forgive her? Did the relationship continue?
Sam: Yes, I did forgive her and we continued the relationship, but I had to have insurance policy to keep her respect.
LWilson: Insurance to keep respect? I'm confused, what do you mean?
Sam: You see I had it in my head and it is true, you forgive a woman for cheating and she simply looses respect for you.
LWilson: So how did you keep her respect for you?
Sam: I turn her in to my little slut.
LWilson: You turned her into a slut? How so? How did that keep respect in the relationship?
Sam: I turned us into swingers as a punishment. She was naughty as hell anything i wanted, 2 guys on 1 girl sort of thing. I really prefer the two women on me thing to be honest, but this was her punishment.
LWilson: So she only did it because she cheated?
Sam: Yes and also to make me happy. You see we loved each other deeply; as a matter of fact I still love her to this day.
LWilson: Are you guys still together?
Sam: No, the swinging was our demise.
LWilson: So you plan backfired?
Sam: Yes, Because it derived from the wrong nature, I went over board.
LWilson: So would you do the same thing again?
Sam: Yes, but I would have stop it earlier. If she wanted to continue it we would have, but I know she wouldn't have wanted that.
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Why Do Women Cheat?
Why Men Cheat?
Blog Archive
Do Men Cheat For The Thrill? Or The Sex?
When men have affairs, they tend to be motivated by sex — new sex, more sex, different sex. Women cheat for many reasons: companionship, romance, more security, and, of course, sex. But are men’s motivations really that simple? No. Even for men, cheating is far more complex.
Studies show most men who cheat want to experiment sexually and experience the rush associated with “new sex.” This is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship. But men also have affairs to either avoid intimacy, recover their lost youth, or escape an unhappy marriage.
Men who fear intimacy will have affairs to maintain power in their relationships. If a man doesn't commit to his lover, he controls his level of vulnerability. Some men cheat in fact to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them and they don’t get emotionally involved with their lovers. This way they never have to trust their partners or rely on them. This kind of man may also fear conflict.
Then there are men who will strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. They realize they are no longer young and invulnerable, so they have an affair to deny that they are getting old. Finding someone who is “young and new,” makes them feel more youthful.
Biologists believe men cheat by the Darwinian instinct to spread their genetic seed to more mates (whereas women would one mate to get protection and support). However, since more women are cheating, this suggests that they felt societal pressure in the past to suppress their sexual desires. There also may be another reason men are more likely to stray: environment. Psychologically speaking, men who cheat are often the child of an adulterer. They are repeating behavior that they know and looking to correct that feeling that no one ever loved only them.
Not all affairs are created equal. There is the one-night stand, the long-term love affair, and the tryst that serves as a way to end a marriage. Not all affairs happen because the marriage is in obvious trouble or bad. However, a conflict-ridden marriage will certainly be at greater risk. Many women mistakenly believe the mistress must be more attractive than she. Actually, this is not often the case. It seems to be the wish for newness and variety, as well as the particular man’s psychological needs and vulnerabilities that is more the motivator. While a marriage might not be bad, it can still lack honesty and active communication.
Adultery need not be the end of a marriage, though it certainly is one heck of a wake up call. If you are contemplating an affair, then there is no question you will be SORRY! Affairs hurt everyone, including you. You cannot keep both women, so you will be distressed at some point. Don’t leave yourself in susceptible situations, such as when alcohol is involved.
By: Dr. Gail Saltz
To read more:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096687/
Studies show most men who cheat want to experiment sexually and experience the rush associated with “new sex.” This is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship. But men also have affairs to either avoid intimacy, recover their lost youth, or escape an unhappy marriage.
Men who fear intimacy will have affairs to maintain power in their relationships. If a man doesn't commit to his lover, he controls his level of vulnerability. Some men cheat in fact to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them and they don’t get emotionally involved with their lovers. This way they never have to trust their partners or rely on them. This kind of man may also fear conflict.
Then there are men who will strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. They realize they are no longer young and invulnerable, so they have an affair to deny that they are getting old. Finding someone who is “young and new,” makes them feel more youthful.
Biologists believe men cheat by the Darwinian instinct to spread their genetic seed to more mates (whereas women would one mate to get protection and support). However, since more women are cheating, this suggests that they felt societal pressure in the past to suppress their sexual desires. There also may be another reason men are more likely to stray: environment. Psychologically speaking, men who cheat are often the child of an adulterer. They are repeating behavior that they know and looking to correct that feeling that no one ever loved only them.
Not all affairs are created equal. There is the one-night stand, the long-term love affair, and the tryst that serves as a way to end a marriage. Not all affairs happen because the marriage is in obvious trouble or bad. However, a conflict-ridden marriage will certainly be at greater risk. Many women mistakenly believe the mistress must be more attractive than she. Actually, this is not often the case. It seems to be the wish for newness and variety, as well as the particular man’s psychological needs and vulnerabilities that is more the motivator. While a marriage might not be bad, it can still lack honesty and active communication.
Adultery need not be the end of a marriage, though it certainly is one heck of a wake up call. If you are contemplating an affair, then there is no question you will be SORRY! Affairs hurt everyone, including you. You cannot keep both women, so you will be distressed at some point. Don’t leave yourself in susceptible situations, such as when alcohol is involved.
By: Dr. Gail Saltz
To read more:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096687/
Women Can be Cheaters Too!!
Men have not cornered the market when it comes to philandering. Women tend to be motivated to cheat by more emotional factors than men. Women are really looking for communication and emotional intimacy in the new bond. They want to talk to someone who makes them feel important, cared for, secure and understood. Many women cheat out of feelings of insecurity over their abilities and their attractiveness. Some women feel lonely within their marriages and want to connect to someone who will be affectionate and attentive.
Anger and disappointment with their spouse often spurs a woman to seek another man. She may specifically look for a man who makes more money or has a better job. Or this may just be a means of punishing her husband for not giving her the emotional attention she craves.
The search for feeling sexy, playful and less sexually inhibited may also be the start of an affair, especially if fears of aging and loss of attractiveness are bothering her. Psychologically women who enter into affairs with men who are 10 to 20 years older than them may be looking for affection from a father who never gave it to them. If their father was gone, neglectful or angry a lot she may crave that paternal attention and seek it in an affair. Sometimes women who struggle with depression start affairs to push away the depressed feelings and be swept up in romance.
Most women will say that while romance is important to them and they care for this lover that they are not actually in love with him. While sex does happen, sharing confidences ranks high in importance. Women often choose to cheat with married men. It seems safer in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, concerns over having the man reveal the affair and not having too much time or effort asked of them.
Full-time working women are more likely to cheat then stay-at-home women and their lover more than half the time comes from work. This is partially due to opportunity but also has a lot to do with feeling that the man is interested in what she thinks about and who she is. Sometimes women cheat because they believe it will somehow help their ailing marriage. This is a MYTH. In fact, the excitement of new romance often makes their marriage seem even more drab and horrible and they really want to leave. Generally speaking women are less likely to jump into an affair. Many women have known their affair partner for at least a few months and have contemplated having the affair for weeks.
Getting over the affair when a woman cheats requires the same kind of work as when a man cheats … but the job is harder. In general, men are less forgiving of their wife cheating than wives are about their cheating husbands. Overall, only about a third of marriages survive affairs. It is hard to forgive, redevelop trust and make your marriage a more intimate and satisfying one but it can be done. Some couples find their marriage is the best it has ever been after repairing from an affair.
By: Dr. Gail Saltz
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096687/page/2/
Anger and disappointment with their spouse often spurs a woman to seek another man. She may specifically look for a man who makes more money or has a better job. Or this may just be a means of punishing her husband for not giving her the emotional attention she craves.
The search for feeling sexy, playful and less sexually inhibited may also be the start of an affair, especially if fears of aging and loss of attractiveness are bothering her. Psychologically women who enter into affairs with men who are 10 to 20 years older than them may be looking for affection from a father who never gave it to them. If their father was gone, neglectful or angry a lot she may crave that paternal attention and seek it in an affair. Sometimes women who struggle with depression start affairs to push away the depressed feelings and be swept up in romance.
Most women will say that while romance is important to them and they care for this lover that they are not actually in love with him. While sex does happen, sharing confidences ranks high in importance. Women often choose to cheat with married men. It seems safer in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, concerns over having the man reveal the affair and not having too much time or effort asked of them.
Full-time working women are more likely to cheat then stay-at-home women and their lover more than half the time comes from work. This is partially due to opportunity but also has a lot to do with feeling that the man is interested in what she thinks about and who she is. Sometimes women cheat because they believe it will somehow help their ailing marriage. This is a MYTH. In fact, the excitement of new romance often makes their marriage seem even more drab and horrible and they really want to leave. Generally speaking women are less likely to jump into an affair. Many women have known their affair partner for at least a few months and have contemplated having the affair for weeks.
Getting over the affair when a woman cheats requires the same kind of work as when a man cheats … but the job is harder. In general, men are less forgiving of their wife cheating than wives are about their cheating husbands. Overall, only about a third of marriages survive affairs. It is hard to forgive, redevelop trust and make your marriage a more intimate and satisfying one but it can be done. Some couples find their marriage is the best it has ever been after repairing from an affair.
By: Dr. Gail Saltz
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096687/page/2/
Essence Magazine
Essence Magazine did an article called "Why Do Men Cheat ?". They asked a few men this age old questions and also talk to author and professor Michael Eric Dyson. Here is just a touch of what the article had to say.
Michael Eric Dyson Breaks it down:
“Why do some Black men cheat? Because they can. The usual reasons (or excuses): She doesn’t understand me; she doesn’t take care of her body; she’s too busy with the kids; she loves her career more than me. Notice all of this deflects attention from us. The first sign of difficulty in a relationship, we’re in the arms of another.There are different kinds of cheaters, but the most common are the accidental, occasional and habitual ones. Accidental two-timers step out because of circumstance. Met her at the bar on the way home from work and hit it quick. They’re usually not repeaters and are very remorseful. Occasional cheaters take advantage of amorous relations at their convenience, wishing not to disrupt home. Habitual cheaters sleep around as often as they can. They’re always working late, going on business trips, or conveniently turning off their cell phones. Dealing with infidelity isn’t easy, and a woman should never blame herself for her man’s affair: He’s responsible for his behavior. She just has to decide what kind of cheater she has on her hands to determine what to do—keep him or kick him to the curb.
Michael Eric Dyson is the Avalon Foundation Professor in the Humanities at the University of Pennsylvania.
To read the article in its entirety check the link below.
http://www.essence.com/essence/bodyandsoul/relationships/0,16109,1566755,00.html
Michael Eric Dyson Breaks it down:
“Why do some Black men cheat? Because they can. The usual reasons (or excuses): She doesn’t understand me; she doesn’t take care of her body; she’s too busy with the kids; she loves her career more than me. Notice all of this deflects attention from us. The first sign of difficulty in a relationship, we’re in the arms of another.There are different kinds of cheaters, but the most common are the accidental, occasional and habitual ones. Accidental two-timers step out because of circumstance. Met her at the bar on the way home from work and hit it quick. They’re usually not repeaters and are very remorseful. Occasional cheaters take advantage of amorous relations at their convenience, wishing not to disrupt home. Habitual cheaters sleep around as often as they can. They’re always working late, going on business trips, or conveniently turning off their cell phones. Dealing with infidelity isn’t easy, and a woman should never blame herself for her man’s affair: He’s responsible for his behavior. She just has to decide what kind of cheater she has on her hands to determine what to do—keep him or kick him to the curb.
Michael Eric Dyson is the Avalon Foundation Professor in the Humanities at the University of Pennsylvania.
To read the article in its entirety check the link below.
http://www.essence.com/essence/bodyandsoul/relationships/0,16109,1566755,00.html
Cosmo Magazine
Cosmo magazine has an ask they guy guru section in their magazine and here is one of the questions that was asked.
Will he stop cheating for me?
Q: One of my best guy friends is a total player who always strings girls along. If he actually does get into a relationship, he usually winds up cheating. He says that he just hasn't met a girl who could actually hold his interest. Well, I guess he decided that I was that girl, because the other day, he confessed his love for me. I feel the same way, but I'm concerned about his cheating. He said that it would be different with me, but I'm not sure. What do you think?
A: Not to be a player hater, but you need to be cautious. Very cautious. If at some point he had proved to be a nice, decent boyfriend, I might say, "Go for it!" because at least you'd know he was capable of a healthy relationship. But all you have to go on is his lying, cheating track record. That should be a big flashing warning sign to stay the hell away.Another red flag: Notice how he never takes responsibility for his infidelity -- he blames his bad behavior on the fact that the girls were lame, rather than admitting to his own shortcomings. This attitude is what allows a cheater to indulge in all of his selfish whims -- without regard for anyone else's feelings.I know, I know. You're probably saying, "But it will be different with me. He just hasn't met The One...and I'm it!" Why is it that every woman thinks she's going to save a man from his heinous habits? The truth is, most people don't change, at least not very much. To expect that a player will magically morph into a monogamous man is asking a lot.Even if you do give it a chance, I worry you won't ever be able to trust him. Knowing what he's done to others, you don't think you'll get jealous if he comes home late one night or you catch him talking to another girl? I know you have feelings for him, and maybe it's worth a shot. Hey, I hope I'm wrong! But if he ends up doing the same thing to you that he's done to countless other chicks, you'll not only lose a boyfriend but a good friend as well.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/guys/will-he-stop-cheating-for-me
Will he stop cheating for me?
Q: One of my best guy friends is a total player who always strings girls along. If he actually does get into a relationship, he usually winds up cheating. He says that he just hasn't met a girl who could actually hold his interest. Well, I guess he decided that I was that girl, because the other day, he confessed his love for me. I feel the same way, but I'm concerned about his cheating. He said that it would be different with me, but I'm not sure. What do you think?
A: Not to be a player hater, but you need to be cautious. Very cautious. If at some point he had proved to be a nice, decent boyfriend, I might say, "Go for it!" because at least you'd know he was capable of a healthy relationship. But all you have to go on is his lying, cheating track record. That should be a big flashing warning sign to stay the hell away.Another red flag: Notice how he never takes responsibility for his infidelity -- he blames his bad behavior on the fact that the girls were lame, rather than admitting to his own shortcomings. This attitude is what allows a cheater to indulge in all of his selfish whims -- without regard for anyone else's feelings.I know, I know. You're probably saying, "But it will be different with me. He just hasn't met The One...and I'm it!" Why is it that every woman thinks she's going to save a man from his heinous habits? The truth is, most people don't change, at least not very much. To expect that a player will magically morph into a monogamous man is asking a lot.Even if you do give it a chance, I worry you won't ever be able to trust him. Knowing what he's done to others, you don't think you'll get jealous if he comes home late one night or you catch him talking to another girl? I know you have feelings for him, and maybe it's worth a shot. Hey, I hope I'm wrong! But if he ends up doing the same thing to you that he's done to countless other chicks, you'll not only lose a boyfriend but a good friend as well.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/guys/will-he-stop-cheating-for-me
A Great site I found about the subject.
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1 comment:
He really didn't love her because he would not have subjected her to that. And for him to want revenge like he did he never really forgave her.
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