Open Marriage

I did an interview with a wonderful couple whom have an open marriage. Their views on cheating was slightly different than most. Susan is an Senior V.P. of a corporation, Nathan Executive of a major company so needless to say they travel a lot. This was indeed an enlightening interview.

LWilson: I see that you in the married but looking chat room, are you looking for a fling?
Nathan: No, just looking for some fun.

LWilson: OK, well why do you think men cheat?
Nathan: Limitations make men feel antsy, they feel like they're missing out on something great. Not realizing that thing's weren't that spectacular when they were single. They look at other guys out there and think that amazing sex is happening to them every minute of the day.

LWilson: Have you cheated on your wife?
Nathan: No, I would never cheat on my wife.

LWilson: OK, I'm a bit confused. Your in the married but looking chat room, are you just looking for chat?
Nathan: LOL I see how that could be confusing, but actually me and my wife are online now we were looking for someone to have fun with.

LWilson: Oh, you guys are looking for a threesome?
Nathan: LOL No, she is in another state on business. We just go to chat rooms when we are separate from each other. We have an understanding about our sex lives.

LWilson: What is that understanding?
Susan: Hi, I'm Nathan's wife. We have an agreement about sex. We don't believe that couples can truly and honestly be monogamous forever. We think couple have periods of monogamy.
Nathan: Any man or woman that said that they have never thought about having sex with someone other then their spouse is lying.

LWilson: What is a period of monogamy?
Susan: Every married couple has times when they are engulfed in each other. A time when it seems like you can't control your self around each other. Most married couples have 7 or 8 months like that out of the year, but you still have those other 4 or 5 months when others catch your eye.

LWilson: So is this a period when you and your husband aren't as close?
Susan: It's kinda like having a favorite food. You eat it everyday, all the time and then you go for a while be before you eat it again. It doesn't mean you don't like it anymore, it didn't stop being your favorite, you just wanted something else.
Nathan: If i have sex with someone else it doesn't change they way I feel about my wife. They could never replace her because we have more then just sex.

LWilson: A lot of people would say that your marriage is a lie or broken.
Susan: I have some friends that told me we're in an unhappy marriage and we do this to mask it.

LWilson: Wow, is she still your friend?
Susan: Yes, we talked about it. I explained that this works for my marriage, if anything it has brought us closer on a entirely different level. It's wonderful to watch my husband with someone else. It makes me feel like..like.... I'm the best he has ever had. I know when he makes that face what he wants or when he moves like that he wants me to do a certain thing. The other women are completely clueless on what to do, it just makes me feel like I'm irreplaceable, like he will never find anyone that can make him feel like I do.
Nathan: It's the same for me. I love watching her. She is so aggressive with other men, something that I had forgotten about her. When we are together I'm the aggressor, but when she is with someone else she like a sexual beast and I love watching her change.
Susan: LOL I won't say sexual beast, but I get a little wild.

LWilson: When other people come in the picture is it always with both of you there.
Nathan: No,we travel a lot on business so we both log on to the chat rooms and find people together.

LWilson: How do you find people together?
Nathan: Like right now we are logged on to a chat based out of Boston where she is at and we're talking to a guy who is interested in my wife. It gives me a chance to ask a few question that I'm concerned about. I just want to make sure that she is safe.
Susan: I do the same for him. I'm logged on in a chat room at home talking to a women for him.

LWilson: Is this the only way sex with other people happens or can you just have sex with someone you met at a bar?
Susan: Yes, this is the only way. We both have to be involved in the picking press it keep us connected. Now if we're both at the bar then yes. Both parties most agree on the act, that includes where, with whom, how, and what.

LWilson: So you decided what kind of sex your going to have with someone else?
Nathan: Yes, we talk about what type of mood each other is in and decided what we're going to do with them and what we would prefer to do with each other.

LWilson: You rules change every time?
Susan: Not necessarily change. We are all attracted to different people for different reasons. So sex would be different with different people. So we tell each other what we like about that person and what we would like to do and make sure that we are both in agreement with everything.

LWilson: So your rules apply to what attraction you have for the person.
Nathan: Yes, but I could tell her if I'm not comfortable with that or not. For example she came across a guy that was in to a lite S&M. She wanted to try it, but it wasn't something that I was comfortable with.

LWilson: One might argue that your comfortable with you wife sleeping with someone else, why not a little spanking here or there?
Nathan: LOL, very good point. I think it was more about her having a new sexual experience with someone else. I like the thought that when my wife thinks of a new sexual experience she has had it's my face that comes to mind.

LWilson: Susan have you had to say no to a few partners Nathan has picked out?
Nathan: YES!
Susan: LOL There were a few woman whom I thought were to clingy. They just seemed like that type that would try to ruin what me and my husband have. I'm not saying I don't trust my husband, but some women just have this negative feel about them.

LWilson: Have you ever argued about any of your sexual partners?
Nathan: YES
Susan: YES
Nathan: When we first started this I thought I could handle it all. I didn't think I would have any issues. However, I saw my wife doing some of the things that I love to someone else it......it was an immediate feeling of rage.

LWilson: What happened?
Nathan: I didn't blow up or anything.
Susan: At least not at first he didn't.
Nathan: Ok, I did blow up I didn't talk to her for 2 or 3 weeks. I couldn't even touch her. I felt like we had destroyed our marriage or I felt like she destroyed it. Not realizing that everything that she was doing I was doing to the guy's wife. She asked me what was going on with me and I just exploded. I called her all kinds of names, I just had a jealous fit.

LWilson: Wow, Susan how did you react?
Susan: I just listened and cried. I couldn't believe he would be so one sided like that. I had always thought my husband didn't have that male ego attitude. It was like I was married to someone else.

LWilson: How did you guys get over that?
Nathan: I got over it. I was the one who had the problem. I was talking to one of my good friends, I told her about everything that happened and she laughed at me. I was taken aback by her hysterical laughter. She called me an idiot and laughed more. She point out everything that I wasn't looking at and called me a male chauvinist pig. She finally stop laughing when she realized that I was crying. I thought it was over, I couldn't believe myself.
Susan: He came later that day and told me what happened and we laughed for hours. We promised each other that we would always talk before, just to make sure we were both ok.

LWilson: Susan have you had an angry moment?
Susan: Yes, My husband found a couple for us while it was out of town. I chatted with the wife online for a few days. The husband was someone my husband went to the gym with. Nathan described the guy as someone who works out a lot, a good looking guy. Well, when I got home and we went to a hotel room to meet them. The wife walks in and she is stunning the husband walks in and he is the most hairiest man I have every seen. It was so disgusting. He had a beer belly, he looked like so old pervert.
Nathan: In my defense I don't check out guys. His wife was hot.
Susan: But you could have looked at him. lol

LWilson: What did you do?
Susan: I told him I wasn't attracted to him that we couldn't do anything. He said ok, but he still wanted to watch his wife with my Husband. That was fine with me and Nathan was still happy.
Nathan: :)

LWilson: Would this be something you think could fix cheating in marriage?
Nathan: No, absolutely not. I don't think it's something men especially can handle. We put up this good game that we would be ok with spouse swapping ,but when it actually comes down to another men pleasing your wife it's hard to control your jealousy.
Susan: No, it is no for every body. I have to get over the "he wants me to look like her," in my head. Most of the women look nothing like me and I get a little intimidated by that. There was one point that I was sure that I needed to look like them because I'm lacking in those departments, but it was more about having something different for my husband.
Nathan: It's not easy to tell you wife that "hey that guy made me a little self conscious," or "I like her because she has big tits, but your tits are perfect for me." It makes us communicate with each other much more.
Susan: It's definitely not for everyone!
Nathan: It's definitely not for everyone!

Portrait of an Open Marriage

I was 17 when my sexual education began. "You are responsible for your own orgasm,” my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm. I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That’s why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers. My husband and I have an open marriage. I know it may sound decadent, or like a throwback to the “free love” of the ’60s. But really, for all the hype, “open marriage” is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven’t been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, “Why on earth didn’t we think of this before?”

I have always liked sex. I mean really, really liked sex. I have been accused, in fact, of “thinking like a man.” That is, of seeing sex as something wholly separate from love. When my husband and I first started dating, it was obvious even then that our drives were quite different. As much as he enjoyed sex, he didn’t need or want it as often as I did. But I fell so madly in love with him, I figured it didn’t matter.

I was terribly wrong.

Three years into our marriage, I began to feel itchy. So I had an affair. She was beautiful, an artist I met through a mutual friend. I deliberately chose to have an affair with a woman, rationalizing that it wasn’t as bad as sleeping with another man. (Simply by virtue of his gender, my husband never could be for me what she could be.)

She wasn’t the first woman I’d been with. When my husband and I began dating, I told him that I was bisexual. “I don’t care who you were with before,” he told me. “But once it’s just you and me, it’s just you and me.” And that’s why—as lovely and sweet as my affair with Artist Girl was—it was awful, too. I felt sick about lying to my husband, sick about wanting to be with her, sick for not just calling it off—or avoiding it in the first place.

I thought hard about how I had gotten there. At first, I figured that my being with her really was about my bisexuality, about a part of me that I simply couldn’t brush aside. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wasn’t true: It was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide.

My relationship with Artist Girl ended very, very badly. One night while in bed with her husband, she told him about us, foolishly thinking it would “turn him on.” It didn’t. He was furious and threatened to tell my husband. I knew I had to tell him myself. When I confessed, he was crushed, more because I had lied to him than because I had slept with her. I cried and cried, wondering if I had destroyed my marriage, if he would leave me, but also wondering if I would ever be happy, ever be sexually satisfied, ever find a way to make this work.

We didn’t talk about it much for several years. He couldn’t. I would ask him once in a while if he was “OK,” and he would tell me he was fine. Eventually, I believed him. I was keeping my nose clean, and we were bumping along—hitting rough patches, but bumping along. We had an adequate sex life; probably pretty darn good by some standards. Still, there were always things I wanted that I simply couldn’t get from him.

“I want you to talk dirty to me,” I told him. “To tie me up. To attack me in the middle of the day on the kitchen floor.”

“I can’t, baby,” he’d say, drawing me into his arms. “I love you.”

And slowly I began to figure it out. For my husband, sex with me was about loving me. And loving me was about caring for and respecting me. Although there are people who can manage that duality (or plurality), my husband simply couldn’t. And I wasn’t sure he should have to. But I also wasn’t sure that I should have to go without.

One day, on a whim, really, I asked my husband about a longtime friend of mine. She had once been a grad student at the university where I taught. I had helped her get through research papers, exams, and first-time teaching assignments. She spent a lot of long nights and weekend afternoons at our house during those two years, and we became close friends. Even after finishing her degree, she still spent a lot of time at the house.

“Have you ever thought about sleeping with her?” I asked him.

“No,” he said. My husband has no poker face. “OK, yes, but …”

“But what?” I asked.

“Well, first of all, she’d never want to sleep with me. She’s 10 years younger than I am. And second, I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, “I mean, I don’t need to.”

“But do you want to?” I didn’t need him to answer me. It was clear that, in his head, he was already there.

“She’s hot,” he said.

“I know,” I laughed. “So … ?”

“So, of course I’d like to sleep with her. But what about you?”

“Of course,” I replied. “I’d like to sleep with her too, silly.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said.

“I know. I know. So … ?”

“So, bring it on,” he teased.

“She’s dying to sleep with you, you know.”

It was true—I knew she was interested. We’d joked about it plenty of times before. “When are you going to let me at that hot husband of yours?” she’d ask me. “Whenever you like,” I’d tell her. I started teasing my husband about it every now and then. Sometimes when we’d have sex I’d talk about her being there. It always was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide. pushed him over the edge.

Finally, I decided it was time.

“Let’s do it,” I said to her one night when we were at my house, watching yet another terrible, made-for-TV movie. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“You sure?” she asked.

“Are you?” I asked back.

“Yeah,” she said. “As long as you’re positive it won’t mess us up.”

“I don’t think it will,” I said. “But you know I can’t promise that.”

“I know,” she said. “But promise me anyway.”

“OK,” I told her. “I promise.”

A few hours later, my husband came home. He slid onto the couch next to me, putting his hand on my right thigh, under the throw blanket. Her hand was already on my left. A few seconds later, I felt their hands accidentally touch, and I saw them look at one another. I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment my husband realized what was going on.

“I’m beat,” he said a short while later. “I’m going to bed.”

“We’ll be up soon,” I said. He kissed me, and began to walk away.

“What about me?” she asked. He looked at me, and then kissed her, long and hard. Laughing, he shook his head.

“You girls,” he said, as he headed upstairs. When the movie ended, we followed. We slipped into bed with my husband as if we’d done it a hundred times before, one on either side of him.

Everything that followed felt equally natural.

It was amazing to watch them together. It was hot, but it was also very sweet. She was so lost in him and he in her. I was able to see him as a human being, if you know what I mean. Not as my husband or my daughter’s father, but as a man, a sexual being, a person who wants to be wanted, who needs to be wanted.

And I know that watching her and me together was an incredible experience for him as well. She even taught him how to give me a G-spot orgasm, a feat that he had never managed. It sounds so deviant, I know. But it was charming, really. He held her long hair in his hands and watched her. He also stole looks at me. “I love you,” he mouthed. “I love you, too,” I somehow managed. And when I came, I couldn’t help but notice the glances the two of them exchanged. “Not bad,” his seemed to say. “See, I could teach you a thing or two,” hers seemed to imply. It was weird. But it was also, well, normal.

My husband and I had a six-month affair with my close friend. The three of us had sex. He and she had sex. She and I had sex. And, of course, he and I continued to have sex, just the two of us. The arrangement eventually faded out, and we all slipped back into our previous relationships. But my marriage was forever changed. Our experience with her was the catalyst that led us to explore open marriage............

By: Jenny Block

This is a pretty long article, I couldn't post it all so I provided a link so you could read the rest.

Click this link to finish the article. Portrait of an Open Marriage

Politicians and Cheating

Well we all have seen serval politicans,whom seem to have a lot to lose, involed in some kind of cheating. I found an interesting article about why they may cheat.

His Cheating Brain

Why do powerful men risk everything for sex? It has to do with brain chemistry, evolution and, yes, testosterone.

We'll never know exactly what New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was thinking when he allegedly arranged a dalliance with a high-priced prostitute, risking the collapse of both his career and his family. Even he may not fully understand his own actions. But all too many powerful men can at least identify with him, because they've been there. Spitzer is simply the latest married politician caught with his pants down, a group so large that "pretty soon there will be enough of them to do a scientific study," says Texas psychologist Brian Gladue. Why do men with so much to lose take the chance that they may in fact lose it? Psychologists say they fit a profile: the traits that help them succeed at high-powered jobs are often the same ones that cause them to fail in their personal lives. NEWSWEEK's Mary Carmichael asked several analysts to put the typical philandering politician on the couch.

Gimme More: Many fallen politicians fit a personality type known as a "sensation seeker," defined in the early 1970s. Sensation seekers crave novel and intense experiences more than other people do, and, as part of that, they tend to have many sexual partners. "They get a bigger kick out of things," says Marvin Zuckerman, a pioneering psychologist and author of the 2006 book "Sensation Seeking and Risky Behavior." There's chemical evidence: sensation seekers have lower levels of monoamine oxidase A, which regulates the brain's levels of dopamine, the "pleasure" neurotransmitter.

Of course, loving life isn't always a bad thing: sensation seekers are often high-energy, high-functioning people. The problem is that they never seem to get enough excitement. "Their experiences have to be either very new or very intense, or both, or else they get very restless," says Zuckerman. "When things get monotonous, they have to do something else to increase their arousal." That's the flipside of finding pleasure more pleasurable: for sensation seekers, boredom is also more boring.

Risk Rules! Sensation seekers don't just lust after things--they take them, often disregarding the risks that block their way. "When you're dealing with these high-level, in-your-face, go-for-everything guys, you're dealing with people who take a lot of risks. If that results in gains for them, they get on a roll, and pretty soon their risk management starts to fade a little," says Gladue, who is based at the University of North Texas Health Science Center. "At some point, they can't manage every aspect of their lives. They have to blow off some steam, so they say to themselves, 'this is something I'm going to do for thrills or chills or fun. It's kind of dangerous, and I'm not going to worry about it.' For politicians, that's often in their private life, where they don't have people managing them all the time. And that's where things get out of hand."

For these types, the risk itself is part of the reward. "Breaking rules is a thrill for them," says Frank Farley, a psychologist at Temple University. "Look at Spitzer: he's Mr. Rectitude, the terror of Wall Street, and he busts prostitution rings, and yet he allegedly goes into that very lions' den—the prostitution ring—and partakes. If that isn't risk-taking I don't know what other label to put on it."

He's Hormonal. Alpha males are high on testosterone, the hormone that underlies almost all the typical traits of the politico-sexual animal: high levels of testosterone make for a high sex drive, a love of risks, aggressiveness and competitiveness. "These people have a strong need to win at games, which is obviously important in power politics," says Zuckerman. Success sends their testosterone spiraling up, while a loss brings the levels down—a phenomenon that's been documented in the lab as well as in athletes and chess champions.

Women's testosterone levels also rise when there's competition on the line, but the actual act of winning—or, for that matter, losing—doesn't have any effect on the levels either way. It's the game, not the outcome, that makes the difference for women. Success, then, may not set them off-balance the same way. Evolutionary psychology also suggests that women leaders wouldn't be as likely as men to get caught in sex scandals. "Men and women play different roles in reproduction, so I don't think that you'd see the same kind of pattern where high-status women would be more likely to seek out lots and lots of men," says Daniel Kruger, a research scientist at the University of Michigan who has studied risk-taking behavior. "That's not going to really benefit them that much because they're limited in the number of children they could have." Men, on the other hand, have more of a biological imperative to spread their genes far and wide--the kind of privilege that often comes with being an alpha male. Hungry for Power. Not everyone wants to be a high-profile politician. It takes, among other things, supreme confidence—the kind that may shade into egocentrism and lead to downfall. "For high-profile offices—we're not talking about the school board, but mayors, governors, senators, some members of Congress and the presidency—you have to have a kind of personality where you are very interested in yourself and your personal needs, as well as the needs of others," says John Gastil, a University of Washington political scientist. "When the gratification of your desire for social change becomes the justification for so much of what you do in your career, it's not a leap to then say, 'Well, my other desires and needs are equally justified.' You come up with elaborate justifications. 'Hey, 23 hours day I'm working hard for the people of New York. Time for a little me time!'"

Ironically, that kind of confidence is part of what appeals to voters. "We love charismatic people, the 'micro-messiahs'," says Gastil. "We favor the candidates who are already concerned with projecting certainty and power and strength—and we cultivate those characteristics in people. We want a little bit of that sense that these people are special and different. Does that go to their heads? Of course it does."

And then power has its own corrosive effects. A person who seeks out power may already be compromised. But once he's got that power, he may be tempted beyond anything he's experienced before. "We sometimes say, 'God, what do these people think, the rules don't apply to them?' Well, that's often true. They really do live in a different world from most of us," says Gastil. "Spitzer apparently had access to a service where you pay top dollar for exclusivity and discretion—one that most people don't have access to. Probably your average philanderer doesn't know such a company even exists." Remember the explanation Bill Clinton gave for his cheating: "I did something for the worst possible reason—just because I could."

d

As the saying goes, power is also an aphrodisiac—and that's been true, says Kruger, as long as humans have been around. "In our evolutionary history, men who had lots of resources and status and power were able to have more than one partner. Your body is basically saying if you have this power, you should use it, because that's what has worked before," he says. "Even in modern history, whether you're talking about medieval kings or sultans or rock stars, quite a few have multiple partners. So you're not so surprised to see this dynamic in politics today."

He Thinks He's Invincible. Bloggers and commenters have been floating the idea that Spitzer was subconsiously hoping to be caught. But that, at least, is one negative trait that psychologists hesitate to ascribe to him. "The idea of a death wish, that he was self-destructive—I don't think there's a shred of reason to believe that," says Farley.Instead, the opposite may be true: not only was Spitzer hoping to get away with something, he honestly thought he'd be able to. "It does have an element of Greek tragedy to it. There's a certain amount of hubris that goes with getting to the top," says Gladue. "You think you're invincible. You just don't think it could happen to you." Until, of course, it does.
© 2008

By: Mary Carmichael

http://www.newsweek.com/id/121492/page/1

Can Cheating Be Healthy For a Relationship?

I read a very interesting article on AskMen.com while doing a little research so I decided to share.

Can Cheating Be Healthy For A Relationship?

Let me guess; you did a double take when you read the title of this article, right? I'm not condoning cheating in a relationship, nor denying that it's wrong to cheat. I'm merely suggesting that in some cases, cheating may be beneficial to a relationship. So why am I writing about such a controversial issue? Because most men and women cheat on their partners at some point in a relationship, and they need to be informed that cheating has at least an ounce of redeeming value. Cheating is not always bad; surprisingly, it can help to improve current relationships. I'm not implying that every man should go out and be unfaithful, nor am I implying that all men cheat on every woman they date. All it means is that at some point, the little head overpowers the big head and men venture into forbidden territory.

Why Do We Cheat?

Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with your current partner or you feel that something is missing in the relationship. If you were completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you jeopardize all that you have for a five-minute fling with the girl next door? When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex. Discover the benefits of cheating.

Men Are Explorers

A lot of men who are in serious relationships usually end up cheating after a couple of years. The reason is simple; men stuck in long-term relationships feel they are missing out on something. Most of the time, these men cheat because they are frustrated and need to get it out of their systems. Men also like to explore and try new things. The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won't do it again. This prevents them from being unfaithful later on when the stakes are higher (like when they have a family).

Home Sweet Home

When people are in a relationship for a long time, they can't help but start taking their significant other for granted. Sometimes they forget just how great the woman they have really is. Men forget how wonderful it feels to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Cheating usually involves lustful feelings of physical attraction; nothing long-term. The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn't measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" says it all.

Nothing Lasts Forever

The most underrated benefit of cheating is that it opens a man's eyes to the realization that his relationship is no longer nurturing and should be terminated. Some people remain blind to the fact that their relationship is "on the rocks" and the only way they can finally realize that it's not going to work out is through cheating. It's a shame that some men have to go to this extreme to see the reality: that they're no longer satisfied with their situation. Let's face it, nothing lasts forever and about 95% of relationships, married or not, end (i.e. if you date 9 women before you ever marry, your failure rate is 90%, assuming the marriage lasts). When you do break up, you will probably have a lot of regrets, especially concerning all the girls you missed out on -- especially if she's a six-foot tall Swedish model. So what did you learn from my point of view? That cheating is disrespectful towards the person you've cheated on, but at the very least, it has two beneficial aspects to it. First, that you'll realize your mistake and appreciate your lover a lot more after the horrible deed.The second is that cheating can help you realize your misery within your current relationship, and will likely give you that necessary shove to move on and stop wasting both your lover's and your own time.Get it on!

By: Curt Smith

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/getiton1.html